Number 12 Looks Just Like You!
Twilight Zone Season 5 Episode 18
It is set in a dystopian future in which everyone, upon reaching adulthood, has their body surgically altered into one of a set of physically attractive models.- Wikipedia
I have a masters degree in Early Childhood Education from Sarah Lawrence and after one traumatic year teaching kindergarten I chose not to work in classrooms or with children. I don’t regret it at all. While teaching I secretly started a burlesque troupe “The Witching Hour Burlesque.” Once I gave up teaching I began performing full time. It took me years to love my physical body. As someone with a lifetime of disordered eating, automatic negative self-talk and a learning disability, I never stopped believing in myself. Like most humans I struggle with seeing the beauty in myself in comparison to others. Burlesque helped me to learn to love myself and take ownership over my sexuality. When I started there was not a lot of variety in burlesque although it hurt me many times I never gave up. I did it anyway and I “faked till I made it.”
My looks and physical body have been connected to my livelihood for ten years. My focus has always been individuality, self love, freedom and fantasy.
Then, I got breast cancer and I did not want to stop.
After my diagnosis I made sure I had the best care and a solid plan for reconstruction. My husband and I contacted a dear friend whose wife and son were cancer survivors . He connected us with their oncologist. Who put us in touch with two of the best female surgeons in NYC. One, a surgical oncologist, the other, a plastic surgeon who specializes in double mastectomies and reconstruction. Initially, I was considering a lumpectomy. Of course, I wanted the option to keep both of my natural breasts and my nips but given my family history I choose a double mastectomy with reconstruction.
At first the idea of implants scared me a bit. I had read a lot about implants over the years and a few years ago I considered getting a breast lift. I decided it wasn’t the best option for me after seeing the scarring, learning about the recovery time and most of all the cost. I decided to make the best with what god gave me and focus on strength training while highlighting other things I loved about myself and my body.
After my diagnosis surgery was mandatory. Thankfully, double mastectomies with reconstruction surgeries are fully covered by most insurances.
The idea of losing my breasts and possibly my life had a major effect on me. I sank into a deep depression filled with guilt. It took me years to learn to love myself and my body. Although, I still fought with it, I did not want to change it. I also knew I’d lose sensation in that part of my breast once all was said and done.
With the help of donations from my following I was able to get a good therapist on Talkspace to help me process my feelings of anger, sadness and suicidal thoughts.
My livelihood was still in question.
I pondered:
“Would people still hire me?”
“ How was I going to be able to wear pasties?”
“Am I gonna look fake?”
Then finally,
“Big deal. Plenty of performers I admire have implants, disabilities, varying body types and they are still fly.“
I knew there were rare complications with silicone implants (read up on it on your own I’m not here to trigger or deter anyone). I considered a fat transfer and asked my plastic surgeon about it. But didn’t have enough fat anywhere on my body that I was willing to sacrifice that would match my natural breast size. I would need both implants and a fat transfer in order to get my full volume back. I learned from my doctor that a fat transfer would be a completely different surgery and she did not recommend it being completed at the same time my implants.
Surgery and Post Op
During surgery the oncological surgeon removed the cancer, all breast tissue and biopsied my lymph nodes. Next, the plastic surgeon placed in a temporary implant called a tissue expander. It is important after a double mastectomy that your skin and body heal before an actual silicone implant is placed.
WEEKS later I received confirmation that my biopsy was clear and that I was cancer free. No chemo or radiation needed. Once I found out I was cancer free, the depression I had been carrying around for months seemed to dissipate. It became easier for me to think more clearly and plan for my future without dread or confusion. I worked every day to take care of the tasks that fell behind when I was recovering. I went out and saw friends and some family. I was and am still dealing with my own emotions and had difficulty relating to many of my friends and colleagues who are not cancer survivors or in between jobs after an illness. People who speak negatively about their own bodies and the bodies of others triggered me more than ever. I continue to work on my own feelings about myself and not take things personally.
Tissue Expanders
Tissue expanders take a long time to get used to. It’s not round like an implant it’s kind of square and hard. Goodbye stomach sleeping! It was over two months before I could hug my husband, wear a bag with a shoulder strap, have anyone or anything touch my chest (some clothing like my stretchy camisoles and some of my favorite summer dresses were painful) and I could barely lift my arms. Overtime I started to get stronger. The debilitating pain subsided and my motor skills improved. Little tasks helped. Drawing was painful at first but got easier and I got better at it. Washing dishes, light cleaning like folding clothing and straightening up helped me build strength.
For the first three months, every two weeks or so my plastic surgeon filled my tissue expanders with saline A la Mia Wallace Pulp Fiction style, but with two huge syringes. Making my chest rise like “Growing Up Skipper.”
Four months post op with my art work
It’s uncomfortable at first and can be painful afterwards while the skin and tissue stretch. Beforehand, I take extra strength Tylenol, smoke a little weed. I put Aquaphor on my breasts every day as recommended by my doctor.
Today I’m closer in size to what I used to be, and I am feeling good. I can even dance again with my feather fans without too much pain. My implant surgery date is a tentative date set in October. Surgery is dependent on my body’s healing and based on how much swelling has subsided.
Four months after surgery I performed at Bathtub Gin!
“Backstage” at Bathtub Gin
When I’m ready for surgery, the doctor will reopen the scars, remove the tissue expanders, and put in the silicone implant. My breasts will be softer, more comfortable and I’ll be the next version of myself.
Right now, my scars look badass and I try not to get to attached to them because they will change.
This situation has taught me a lot about acceptance and grace. I realize that I have a strong ability to see beauty in others but struggled with my own insecurities about my looks.
The body positivity movement is still young, we are constantly bombarded with ableism, bigotry, and fat phobia in our everyday life. Yet, I see people from all walks of life loving themselves the way they are and winning. To me this is where true beauty lies.
There is a not so unspoken caste system in this world that tells people that they must look a certain way to be a successful member of society. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but we have been beholding centuries of powerful imagery that is wrapped up in patriarchy and white supremacy. I love me some Margot Robbie/classic Barbie beauty- one way to be beautiful. I question all the imagery given to me.
I don’t expect to change the whole world just because I had breast cancer. So many have come before me and will after. The world needs to adjust the archetypes so we can see all kinds of people as the hero, the love interest, and the villan. I see these people every day and they don’t always look like typical Barbie Dolls.
We are all changing and that’s not a bad thing. God willing, we will be seniors. We can enter that time of our lives healthy, beautiful, and wise. Just look around and see what’s possible.
We all age, we all change, and we all die.
What are we going to do while we are here to make this ride more fabulous.
For the Cancer babes:
-Cancer doesn’t mean your life is over or that you can’t be proud of and love your scars.
-People are people and will continue to make crude comments about your body and diagnosis. You don’t need to explain your choices to anyone. Especially anyone who has not experienced cancer. Protect your energy. Do not feel guilty if you need to block/delete folks online and in real life. You are tender right now and you need time to heal your mind and body away from snarky cynics, emotionally unavailable people and energy vampires.
- What you choose to do with your body is unique and personal to you. Caring about your looks is not frivolous. If you already struggled with body dysmorphia, treatment and surgery can seriously affect your mental health which we all know is bad for your overall health. Ask your doctors about connecting you with a social worker and a therapist. If they cannot connect you there are therapy apps like Talkspace. Find things that you are good at that have nothing to do with your looks to help build your self-confidence.
-Talk to other survivors you trust, speak to your doctors, and make your own decisions. 💗
For the rest of y’all:
-NO UNSOLICITED ADVICE EVER. Especially medical and horror stories, we have our own and don’t need yours.
Special shout out to burlesque survivors and witches:
Special Thanks:
Forever and always my husband.
Hot Tawdry for showing me what is wonderfully possible in Burlesque after double mastectomy reconstruction. Eileen Scissors, Kate Higgins, Love Dahlia Boutique, Alyssa Kitt, Tatyana Kot.
My some of my patrons: Cynthia Von Buhler, Molly Crabapple, Pearls Daily, Eric Taub, Celeste Hudson.
Love,
MVP
I will continue to write Barbie Boobies Blog throughout my journey. I am writing my own personal story as well as offering info that was not easily accessible to me during this process. Your donation will help keep this going. Please continue to spread the word.
